this is my friend christine’s hello kitty keychain wearing a pineapple costume
i just wanted to put this cuz… i really want to post something on a tumblr page and actually have someone post my pics up :D
Submitted by philliflippy
Aww, I just got this as a present. It smells yummy ^.^
It’s been a few months since I’ve been on here… Long story short, ended up back in the hospital for a bit and still haven’t made adjustments to the real world yet. And that guy I went on a date with? We saw each other a few more extra times. I thought things were going pretty well. But then, he blew me off when the semester ended and didnt contact me for the whole vacation. He told me he would make plans with me to see him before he left for home and he never called like he said he would. What an ass right? He had the nerve to text me a month later with an apology and asking if I would still see him, like I would still be thinking “OMG when is he gonna call???” I already moved on to someone else. I don’t wait for anyone. You either keep up with me or get left in the dust. But other than that, my life has been pretty uneventful. I don’t really remember much of these last few months…I don’t think there was anything worth remembering… Oh wait there was. But thats such a long story too…I’ll explain another day…preferably when I don’t want to throw myself in front of a bus.
I’m tired of people always asking me about my race…just accept that you actually can’t judge me by my cover.
I ended up agreeing to go on a date with some guy I met one night when I was drunk…and I barely remember him.
Incredibly random. Around midnight last night I get a text from a number I didn’t know.
Hey it’s Ell from Nan’s, What’s going on?
For about five minutes I was trying to remember if I ever met an Ell in my lifetime. I decided he must be one of the boys I talked to Halloween night. Nan had a huge party and many people were coming and going, most who I never met before.
But I could be completely wrong as to who this kid is…but I did manage to chop down the possibilities to two. Kinda weird that Nan gave him my number. I know for sure I didn’t give it out.
Anyway.
I texted back.
Nothing much. U?
Chillin uptown. U?
Just watching TV.
Not acceptable. Come hang with us.
Where are you guys?
Apparently we are going to Ten June.
Oh I know I’m not going to get in there. Thanks but I think I’ll pass.
We aren’t in yet lol. Come meet us there. All roll together.
At this point, I was getting a little annoyed. Ten June is supposed to be this exclusive club. They let you in only if you are pretty. I don’t have an ID stating i am 21 either, so I knew I had no chance of getting in. Not til next month anyway =]
So he texts:
What? Why so pessimistic. How about this? If you don’t get in, I don’t go in.
Oh boy. That would mean I would end up alone with him. That didn’t seem like such a good idea.
No don’t worry about it. Maybe another time. I just know I’m not getting into Ten June tonight. Thanks anyway.
Then he CALLS me -.-
Basically, he was trying to convince me to hang out with him that night. “I know places that don’t card. Or we can just chill at your place. Whatever you wanna do. I rather go out to a club but I don’t mind sitting around with you.”
I haven’t been to one of Nan’s parties for almost a month now, meaning this kid…was remembering me…for a month…after just meeting once…Wow. Never saw that coming.
I just said I was tired and felt like the night wouldn’t end well because I would be rejected by everywhere we went. I rather just wait until I’m 21 next month.
He continues. “I would like to see you before then. I don’t want to wait a month but if I have to I guess…”
“Well, maybe we’ll see each other before then. Nan will probably have another party.”
“How about I take you out to dinner?”
Yea. Definitely did not see that coming. Especially since earlier that day, I was thinking about how I suck at dating.
“Er…ok sure.”
“What? So hesistant.’
“Caught me by surprise.”
“Why is that surprising?”
“It just is…ha ha…”
“I’m leaving Monday for the holiday so I won’t be back until the week after. How about we go out Tuesday night next week?’
“Ok…”
I know I suck. I’m the most awkward person ever when it comes to accepting dates…I just don’t know what to do…and I’m still trying to figure out if he is the guy I think he is XD
FML. Now I have to worry about what I’ll wear…I don’t really have a wardrobe for moments like these….
…BLAH!
So I was in the hospital for the last 10 days.
So much went on and I’m too tired to write about it right now.
But I haven’t felt suicidal in days, and it feels great.
Secret:
i can’t bring myself to do all the hw i have to do
and i’m beginning to see the impact
Me:
>.<
Secret:
i don’t like college, i dont like the concept
my grades have nothing to do with how much i learn, no one’s grades have anything to do with that
or ability
Secret:
i’m have a lifestyle issue or something
cause i do prefer just working, and the thought that if i saved 24k
i could live out of my car on that for almost 10 years
why does that sound so enticing to me?
i’m destined to become a loser, it seems
Me:
but is that really what u want?
Secret:
yes actually
i don’t like bullshitting my way through college
i get ridiculously good grades when i just “pretend” that i know what i’m doing
and people who actually learn something get bad grades
and when i’m too busy with work and bullshit at home, i get bad grades
so what do grades mean?
what am i working for
when i get a degree, am i going to actually do something meaningful or am i just going to bullshit my way through a career for fast cash
and for what?
i don’t really want anything at all
Secret:
i don’t buy anything but occasional baggies of STUFF
what am i going to do with excesses of money
like my psychology class right now
i literally glance through the chapters and get low A’s
my friend studies for hours and gets C’s
all i’m doing right now is abusing the multiple choice questions
i never know the answers, but my teacher doesn’t know how to make a test
and the answers are obvious just from looking at all the choices
have you ever noticed that?
Me:
yea i had a few of those
but u know, the first couple years of college r just bullshit
b/c they make u focus more on “finding urself” and blah blah blah
they dont really start pushing u until u have to declare ur major
like right now, im actually taking a psych class that makes me think
Secret:
i don’t want to be “pushed” either
i put off doing all my papers
everything i want to do entails no work lol
Secret:
i don’t have any ambitions
so why am i in college
Me:
there’s absolutely nothing u want to do?
Secret:
nothing at all that involves nice cars, nice homes, or nice things
i mean, for years now i’ve dreaded christmas and my birthday
i can’t stand recieving presents
i don’t want anything and i feel guilty when people waste money on me
Me:
but why feel guilty?
Secret:
they waste money that is more important to them than me
on someone who really doesn’t want whatever present they buy for me
how would that not make me feel guilty lol
at what age do people stop recieving presents, i wish it was 20
my grandma specfiically requests no presents.. though i’m not entirely sure her reasoning lol
do you have to be old to stop wanting things?
Secret:
does my grandma want things, i don’t know
Me:
u worry about the money ppl spend on the gift, but thats the last thing they r thinking about when they get it for u
yea u dont want it but they still want u to have it
Secret:
lol.. maybe most people
my dad’s the kind of person that buys gifts than sulks that i’m financially ruining him
Secret:
i hardly eat any of his food, i refuse to go to the doctor unless i’m so visibly ill he forces me
to
i pay the car rent for the car i’m driving
i basically stay in my room, that’s how i’m financially ruining him
last christmas i told him i really didn’t want anything
and i got him to return one of the presents
and then somehow he still uses it as a platform for always saying “i work so hard to give you things i’m almost broke”
Me:
i mean ppl who arent so unhappy with themselves. ppl who actually do things for others and mean it and r happy about it.
Secret:
this christmas i’m going to see if i can get him to just use my walmart 10% off discount
and the money he saves off that for my sister
i can have in cash
that way he doesn’t spend a thing on me
yet hopefully doesn’t have to feel like he’s a poor dad?
i don’t even get why we’re living in such a nice house if he’s struggling to pay bills
or why he’s always buying new things for himself
a new cat
Secret:
i just don’t get it
he once said he spends 3000 dollars a month on food
that’s entirely beyond me
how is that possible?
there’s three of us, that means he’s spending 1,000 on food for me?
i pay for my own breakfast and lunch
for dinner i usually bake a tostinos pizza
how the fuck is he spending 1,000 dollars on tostinos pizzas
in a month
Secret:
i’m fairly sure he’s now lying in order to get at me?
i have no idea what’s going on
Me:
he sounds like my mom
she does the same shit
but u cant let urself get upset about it
Secret:
i wouldn’t be surprised, whenever you talk about your mom i relate in a lot of ways
Me:
b/c he’s making u feel guilty about feeding u
Secret:
thankfully i’m 100% confident i’m capable of living without him now
i wasn’t sure for a while, but i’ve now been able to, for the most part, seperate myself from him
Secret:
from working only weekends, 16 hours a week
and i have enough money to go to atlanta and buy BAGGIES (i’m at school)
and feed myself with the exception of some dinners
pay for the car, and gas
my own tuition
if i cut off college tuition, work 30-40 hours
i’m pretty sure i could live very comfortably
but i really don’t have the balls right now to do that
i hate interacting with him so much it takes me forever to even tell him i’m out of tooth paste lol
actually, i’ve stopped doing that
Secret:
i’ve been buying my own deodorant and tooth paste and shit 100% because i don’t want to talk to him at all
obviously it’s not a big deal, but to demonstrate just how unable i am to talk to him
that. lol
Me:
>.<
Secret:
so my plan has sort of been to finish off these two years of college
and have a low-conflict reason to leave the house and live in a dorm at kennesaw university
and then once i get out, drop college
Secret:
but fuck, i don’t even want to finish these two years
brb
Me:
k
low conflist reason to leave the house, so he won’t let u move out either?
Secret:
back
low-conflict as in..
i can’t even tell him i’m out of toothpaste
doing that is a hasshle
hassle*
he probably wouldn’t let me move out, i mean he legally couldn’t “stop me”
but that’s a conversation i don’t want to tackle
Me:
its so strange
Me:
he will whine about buying u toothpaste
but will actually argue w/ u if u wanted to leave
Secret:
he..
yeah.. it’s like
i don’t get it either
i remember when i was a lot littler
and he’d be yelling at me for hours in the car
and at this point it was just something i’d sit there and not talk for hours
waiting for him to stop
and he once was like “i work so hard to buy you things” or whatever in regards to christmas
Secret:
and i was like 7, and told him not to buy me anyhting
and that made him soooo mad
like, i get the concept that he wants to be a provider or whatever
but when he uses it so often as a guilt trip it’s just dumb
he brings it up so randomly, even now when i’ve been paying 90% of my own expenses
he still uses it like i’m ruining his life
and then a week later brings up how he wants to buy a pool table
Me:
yea! my mom bought me this coat for christmas that cost a lot of money. im still wearing it b/c i feel like i shouldnt buy another coat now.
and she was having one of her fits
and then couple of weeks later
she went to ikea
and bought new stuff for the kitchen
cabinets and paint and painting and all this shit
tiles
Secret:
yeah..
Me:
handles for the kabinets to match the walls
Secret:
he’s been doing this since i was very little too
in a way, i honestly think i can thank him for this
because i honestly have so little desire for anything lol
i have never wanted an ipod
or xbox or playstations
it actually makes him mad cause he usually buys things HE wants
Secret:
and tries to convince me that i want it lol
he once said “wouldn’t a dirt bike be really cool?” and tried to make that argument for months
and i told him very clearly “please don’t buy me a dirtbike, i don’t want one they’re way too expensive”
i wake up christmas morning and there’s a dirtbike in the living room and he has a video camera in my face
and of course i have to act really excited and happy
else “omg, how could such an awful son be so spoiled as to not be grateful for a dirtbike!”
and of course he forces me to go riding with him and his boyfriend from soccer
until i get out of it and he rides mine lol
Secret:
same thing happened with this gas powered truck face he went through
you know the remote control trucks and cars?
i specfically told him please don’t buy me that
he buys me one, and for the next few months it’s basically him dragging me to fields where he plays with the truck he “got me”
while i watch
in fact lol xP
i forgot about this
he would play with it constantly and he invented my cousins over to “see this cool new toy i bought Secret”
he hands it to me for the first time and i tell him i don’t want to
Secret:
but my cousins are about to arrive so he forces me to
and i crash it, cause i have no idea what i’m doing lol
and he gets so pissed
and my cousins get there and it’s crashed and he’s acting like a baby
my entire childhood is a long narration of the above lol
with hours of criticism about how i’m a failure
and how he wishes my cousin was his son
and how i’m going to grow up to be a criminal
god damn
fuck
anyways
Me:
<3
Secret:
sorry i don’t mean to vent
Me:
its ok
im always venting so u can do it too
For the last two weeks, I’ve only been eating about 1 meal a day. I usually just have a small bowl of oatmeal and a rice cake.
But the last three days I haven’t had anything to eat. I’m low on money so I’m afraid to eat any bit of food I have left.
It’s beginning to show… usually this would be a great thing for me. But I can see that soon I’m going to start looking like I’m ill.
I put on a pair of pants today. They tend to fit me loose everywhere but my waist…usually get a muffin top =P
Today they wouldn’t stay on my waist. I know it’s only been three days…but…wow.
Maybe I’ll eat something later.
dver:
Here’s a photo of a group celebrating the prevention of gay marriage in Maine last night. Maybe it’s just because I’m in Canada but is it wrong that I think this is kind of funny?
Old bitch in the front is literally on her knees because she’s so happy same-sex couples can’t be legally wed. That ginger mom wearing the scarf? She is so obviously pleased with herself. I guess what’s funny to me is that in, I dunno, ten years, once everyone gets over hating the gays, those self-satisfied smiles will seem so evil to everyone, the modest god-fearin’ clothes will look like a flimsy disguise, and these people will be remembered for the exact opposite of what they think they’re accomplishing. Savor those grins ladies, you don’t know it yet, but you’re history’s monsters.
Secret finally decided to check his email after about 3 years. He hit 11,000+ new emails. Crazy.
But then he went on to say:
Secret: fuck i feel so depressed i’m about to throw up
Me:=[
::hugs::
Secret: This is pretty weird
there are some people who i occasionaly attempt to talk to
and i never really knew why i always tried to say hi
and try to make contact
going through these emails i’m reminded of relationships i had with these people
that i had totally forgotten
i totally forgot how close i was with so and so person
and i forgot, which explains why i’m always trying to say hi
which makes me more sad they for the most part aren’t very close anymore
Are you going to forget me too one day? T.T
